I live in inner-city Houston with my middle-class, Protestant family. The Hornbostel family looks vaguely normal but we're not.

My dad, Scott, is a researcher at Exxon-Mobil with a bunch of patents. He's calm, kind, intelligent. He and I are leaders in boy scout Troop 4.

My mom, Margaret, is warm, friendly, able to strike up conversations easily. She recently has gone through ovarian cancer.

My sisters are Katie and Sarah. They are both really studious and smart and beautiful. Katie recently graduated from Debakey as valedictorian and is now at Georgia Tech. Sarah is at Bellaire, she's really extroverted and likes hanging out with her friends and shopping. See Ratboyz to find out what my sisters look like.

My immune system is weak. I am nearsighted. One of my kidneys is nonfunctional for no apparent reason. My brain is structurally unusual. That is the physiological source of my mental illness.

MENTAL PROBLEMS:

I have Asperger's Syndrome, a form of autism. And OCD. And depression. Other Aspies see their mental illness as just being "different". I don't. I think it is an ugly disease and I want it gone. In practice, mental illness means that:

My motor skills are utterly atrocious. The only "sport" I'm good at is walking, I learned C++ programming before succeeding in riding a bicycle, and I still cannot drive a car. Yet, somehow, I am good at drawing. Go figure. Loud sounds bother me. I neurotically bite my nails and pick scabs and can't quit these behaviors no matter how hard I try. I am poor at reading social cues so especially as a child I was often perceived as rude or inappropriate despite my best efforts to be a nice person. I frequently make social mistakes, like wearing shirts backwards. I tend to take things literally, and to see things in terms of their structure and composition, rather than in terms of their obvious meaning. That is to say, I am easily distracted by inconsequential details that a normal person's mind would automatically filter out in favor of things that are directly useful. In this manner, my mind is constantly bombarded with junk and it is detrimental to my ability to make good decisions. It also means I sometimes am able to see things in ways others can't.

And normal things - extended interaction with human beings, food with a lot of fat in it (or corn, corn has the wrong enzyme combo), sleep loss, cause me to crash emotionally, and feel bad. I go through emotional lows periodically. I'm calm or happy maybe 70-80% of the time, and am pleasant to be around and quite productive; the other 20-30% I feel varying degrees of emotional pain and depression, ranging from irritability and sadness to, once in a while, more dramatic outbursts. I take Prozac and Risperdal. My depression is partly chemical, partly psychological. I am trying to forget my childhood. It was then that the normal people around me helped me to form an image of myself as an inferior, hideous, evil, worthless, loathsome freak. I harbor no ill will towards the people who hurt me. They were just doing what made sense to them, and I feel love and compassion for all those who abuse me, including the guys who mugged me at gunpoint and people who throw rocks at me. I have been known to, on occasion, engage in mild self-mutilation, to shriek and sob and wail and bash my head against things, punch myself repeatedly, smash windows, etc. That's not how I normally am, it's just how I am during really bad times. Most of those nastier edges of my psyche have been dulled by recent increases in medication. My mind is bombarded by all sorts of vile thoughts, the more I resist them, the more persistent and obnoxious they are. I often respond to these thoughts with brief fantasies about hurting or killing myself before reminding myself that these responses are illogical and that I am loved and valued despite my flaws.

People will look at me when I'm upset and crying and conclude, that I am not resisting or restraining my emotions. Yes, I am - and God is helping me to do so. That's why I am still alive and have not killed myself - and usually don't even beat myself, break things, or scream excessive profanities. Instead I choose to pray, and to withdraw and isolate myself, and to self-medicate. This isn't just mental illness. This is spiritual warfare and every ounce of strength is needed because it is a deep, dark hole I'm struggling to climb out of.

It is important to stand on objective truth, and on love and mercy, in times when darker impulses provoke self-destructive patterns, guilt, misery, a desire for self-mortification. (which is not productive in any case)

These are common symptoms of OCD and neurosis; Asperger's Syndrome makes me prone to make mistakes, and OCD makes me prone to obsess on them and become depressed. The excess recognition of my own flaws is paired with a blindness to flaws in others; when in doubt, I am inclined to assume everyone else is right and that whatever problems exist are my fault and my responsibility.

As with any person, there is the side of the spirit, of love, of conscience, the force of light that chooses that which is sane and healthy and good for myself and others, and which is pleasing to God - and there is also the dark shadow self which must be caged, Matthew the vicious demon beast, which craves blood, destruction, perversion, rebellion, and all manner of sick, destructive patterns of thought and action. This dichotomy of darkness and light is typical of all humanity but perhaps more pronounced in my life than in that of most people. This is a blessing because when my depravity is apparent and overt, it maintains awareness of how desperately and thoroughly I need God. It reminds me that I am horrible and should by all rights be in hell, that no action on my part can redeem me, and that it is the unfair, undeserved grace of Jesus Christ that grants me any hope whatsoever. Therefore, I walk in love and fear of the Lord and dwell on how amazing it is that he or anyone else is able to love me, and I find myself profoundly grateful to Him and to the people in my life who have embraced me. Because of this amazing experience, I am compelled to try to love Him and others in return. There is something so overwhelmingly beautiful in human beings, even in their corruption. There is a divine flame in every person, light in them that God tries to cultivate and grow. Some have all but extinguished it, and some have fed it, but it is there in all people if we look closely enough. It is the capacity for good, and this precious remnant of God's original design exists in every human being. It is the reason God has had mercy upon us. It is the one comprehensible explanation for Christ's ability to love a sinful humanity even unto death - because he knew that as far as we have all fallen, we are also all capable of redemption, growth, love, life. That capacity for good must be nurtured wherever possible.

I am also struggling with my sexuality; I'm a virgin and interested in celibacy and maybe castration. I have mutilated my genitals as well as other body areas. Self-mutilation is an easy - if unhealthy - response to guilt and to emotional suffering. Physical pain is desirable because it deadens emotional pain. I confess that the reason for my sexual guilt - aside from OCD - is that I am sexually attracted to (certain types of) animals and not to humans. I am, unfortunately, a zoosexual. I've described this particular struggle, as well as a vast number of topics - movies, gaming, spirituality, family, friends, scouting, etc, on the Hornbostel Media web boards.

When I've been in my worst anguish - suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, etc, the times when I screamed, beat myself repeatedly, told God, "I am evil. I am useless, worthless, hopeless, abhorrent. For the sake of justice, please annihilate me, erase me from existence, or damn me to the pits of hell!"

And the voice of the Spirit speaks to me in my agony, the tortured human wreck, quietly, patiently, with the deepest concievable love, and tells me, "I love you. I care about you. I think you are absolutely amazing and your existence makes the world a better place. I don't want you to hurt. I want to help you. I want to heal you. You have an astonishing future, one you can't even begin to imagine or comprehend. I understand your pain, you're a high priority target for the devil and he has corrupted and tormented you because he is terrified of you. He tells you you are nothing because he fears you will realize who you truly are, and what you have the potential to become. You are my treasured dearest child, my intimate friend. I love you with all my heart, and I will do things through your little broken life so beyond the capacity of the natural that people will stare in wonder. Matthew, your destiny is to speak truth and love to millions, to serve me and speak to the lost, the rebels, the hopeless and poor and perverted and corrupted and unloved and discouraged and tormented, and show them that even in the midst of their darkness and the confusion and pain, there is still hope. I still have love for even the worst of sinners. I take no pleasure in wrath; rather I long to forgive and to bring deliverance from bondage, freedom from sin! But often they do not listen; they embrace evil and despise me, no matter how deeply my heart yearns for them, and I feel such sorrow as they reject me, the only source of life, and choose death. When people suffer, I am suffering with them, when people rejoice, it makes me smile! Matthew, my hand is on your life and your destiny is assured. Please trust me, and follow my plans. I promise to protect you from the snares of the enemy, to walk alongside you step by faltering step, because I love you, I cherish you - and I'll never let the enemy steal you from me. "

I try, with the strength I have, to believe God's view of who I am and can be. I want you to believe God, too, recognize who he is (and how undeniably REAL he is!), and the amazing things he wants to do in your life. I want you to recognize the endless love of Jesus Christ who shed his blood to save all of us, who had compassion even on the very people who murdered him. Let's define ourselves as God's masterpieces, his art, His creations. We were made to be so beautiful and pure and holy and vibrant and alive, even though we are now tarnished and tainted by our fallen world, still God has not abandoned us and still he wishes to bring us back to our originally intended glory. We are not worthless, because God, our creator, says we are priceless. And His perfect and unchanging word defines the value, the rightness or wrongness, of everything.

Obviously I am not very spiritual. I am a mess of extremes and instability, a very immature, clueless, awful excuse for a Christian and I get nearly everything wrong.

Yet, in a way, my "wreckedness" and desperation are God's greatest gifts to me. Because my pain has motivated me to cry out to God and chase after Him for help (made me realize how much I NEED Him), and it has enabled me to feel empathy for others in pain or distress. And recognition of how many hideous failures he's forgiven me for makes me more grateful to Him than I otherwise would be. He is brilliant at salvaging our seemingly unsalvageable lives, at bringing good results out of our worst experiences and situations. He's unbelievably kind, slow to anger, rich in love - if Jesus can forgive me, he can forgive anyone, no matter how corrupted, perverted or rebellious - the very people that the Church condemn as unredeemable, Jesus still has love for.

People with Asperger's syndrome don't understand other humans. Humans sometimes scare us and hurt us. In a desire to be loved or consoled, Aspies often love their pets, or their computers, or math, or any other comprehensible subject. They may retreat into social isolation and a fantasy that exists only in their own minds because the world is so painful. They embrace so desperately things that make sense to them, that are reliable, not threatening or abusive. None of those things, those obsessions that people with Asperger's Syndrome use to cope with the confusion of interacting with people... none are capable of filling the deep needs and longings we Aspies have, for love and relationship, someone we can hold onto and feel peace. I think Jesus is the ultimate friend to the Asperger's person - and for everyone who feels left out, neglected, abused, lonely, depressed, or weird - and that there really is no substitute in our lives, not family or friends or entertainment or anything at all - no substitute for the healing influence of His unconditional love!

It's been said before but I'll say it again - Our lives are utterly empty without God. He is everything. Truly everything. And as tormented as my life has often been, I count myself blessed because no matter how bad things get, I always have him.

I don't care about heaven. I don't want a mansion in heaven. I could throw everything mortal and eternal away in order to just be with Him. Do you understand that? Do you feel the same way? I don't feel that way all the time - often I am focused on the mundane details of life, on talking with people or eating or programming or studying or editing video or making a piece of visual art. But when I am not distracted, when I am focused on the Lord, that is how I feel.

And with him, I am being healed. With him, I am growing stronger, saner, calmer, wiser, more and more skilled, more and more loving. Though I am still a vast distance from where I desire to be, and am only shuffling along in puny painful steps, I look back and know how far I have come; that much of who I was has been improved, expanded, healed, redeemed, resolved. All this good which has transpired, and all improvement which may yet come, I credit unreservedly to Jesus Christ.