Liberal Commentator: What an exciting day for everyone here at Bimbley Courthouse. We're going to have an informative, impartial debate.
Conservative Commentator: We can see Barack Hussein Osama over there, part of the Obama Biden Laden ticket, and Hitlery Clinton and all the other Demoncrats are here to watch them royally **** this debate up.
Liberal Commentator: As you can see, we're as drunk as the candidates are.
Conservative Commentator: Obama is a dirty elitist socialist Arab terrorist. McCain and Palin, baby! Yeah! Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran!
Liberal Commentator: Please shut up. And take that clown costume off. Stop showing such blatant bias. Eat your vegetables. And please stop promoting the McPain/ImPalin' ticket.
Conservative Commentator: McCain!!!
Liberal Commentator: You're a journalist, for crying out loud! You're supposed to have a LIBERAL bias.
Conservative Commentator: Shut up.
Liberal Commentator: Palin, McCain, and Obama aren't here yet. Only Joe Biden has shown up thus far.
Joe Biden: You can't come to a drunken town hall debate without a slight Irish accent. That reminds me of a long-winded, fairly pointless story...
Conservative Commentator: Shut up, Joe! Nobody wants to hear you speak!
Liberal Commentator: I don't know. I feel sorry for Biden. Nobody ever attends his speeches.
Conservative Commentator: There's a reason for that.
Liberal Commentator: Here's a question for you, Joe Biden. With "Joe the Plumber" and "Joe Six-Pack" backing the Republican ticket, how do you feel about being a Democrat named Joe?
Joe Biden: Well, most Joes I know are conservatives. I'm part conservative, too. I'm also a Democrat. I think I'm a maverick, a liberaltarian, if you will. Joe Lieberman is a liberaltarian too. We both supported McCain. I mean, we both endorsed McCain. I mean-
Conservative Commentator: You supported McCain before you ran against him.
Joe Biden: Well, John McCain supported John McCain before he ran against him, too. He voted against his own bill. Now that's a maverick. That's leadership right there. I think. But McCain has experience. I have experience. McCain's first name starts with "J" like mine. In fact, I like McCain so much I want to trade places with Sarah Palin. McCain and I would be a ticket full of elderly, irritable old men.
Conservative Commentator: You always speak like a total idiot.
Joe Biden: I dunno. Words just come out of my mouth for hours and hours and hours, and they're not, I mean, it's not like I plan them. They just, you know, whatever they are comes out.
Liberal Commentator: You're joking, right?
Joe Biden: No, I'm Joe Biden. Joe King is this other guy from Florida. But I'm thrilled to support my running man, Barack America. I mean Obama. Obama America.
Liberal Commentator: Despite your clueless mangling of words, your campaign is doing well. A lot of Joe-mentum there. You seem quite Joe-vial.
Joe Biden: Yes. Because Obama is good with words. He likes to paint them with scissors very eloquently and orotorographically. Me, I know all this kinds of economic and foreign policy really well, but I can't seem to avoid gaffing when I talk about the issues. So I think of policy ideas and then hide out of sight while Barack Obama talks about it in a way so people will listen to it please get me another beer.
Liberal Commentator: And now McCain and Obama are coming in. Obama is floating in on a cloud with a halo over his head and McCain is shuffling very slowly and wheezing while holding a walking stick.
Conservative Commentator: You made that up!
Liberal Commentator: Did not!
Conservative Commentator: Did too!
John McCain: Gentlemen, you're missing the point. The important thing to remember about this election is that O-bomb-a prowls around with terrorists like William Ayers.
Barack Obama: It's also important that John McCain prowls around with error-ists like George W. Bush.
John McCain: We need to know the full extent of Obama's relationship with Ayers. His steamy, gay relationship...
Barack Obama: I barely know Ayers and I'm not gay. You're blowing this Ayers thing way out of proportion!
John McCain: I believe Ayers is the one doing the blowing... up... of stuff. And what about your connections to ACORN and Reverend Wright?
Barack Obama: You're just trying to distract people from the real issue on everyone's minds, the economy. I can fix the economy.
John McCain: No you can't, because you have no experience. But I can.
Liberal Commentator: John McCain, what is your economic plan?
John McCain: Well, it involves tax cuts for everyone, especially billionaires, and an endless war in Iraq to stimulate our military-industrial economy just like Barack Obama stimulates Joe Biden with naked massage.
Barack Obama: There you go again, implying that I'm gay. I'm not gay. I have a beautiful wife named Michelle. You're the one who's cheated on his wife, not me. And your economic plan is terrible. It'll send the national debt spiraling out of control.
John McCain: Yeah, but it'll be fun for three or four years before suddenly the entire country goes bankrupt and everyone starts dying. But the billionaires will have lavish mansions with laser fences to keep out all the starving beggars. They'll have so many mansions they won't even be able to count them.
Barack Obama: Like you?
John McCain: Yup. I plan to be one of those elite billionaires crushing the lowly peons and owning a whole city's worth of mansions.
Barack Obama: I disagree with that economic plan.
John McCain: And in the interest of pleasing the key demographic of delusional and hallucinating voters, I would like to say that at this very moment a magical golden puppy is orbiting the Earth. The key to economic prosperity for America will be harnessing the glowing celestial rainbow beams of that magical puppy.
Barack Obama: Uh...
John McCain: It's listed very prominently next to my dragon reduction bill.
Barack Obama: Well, I would like to promote my economic plan, the "Screw The Rich Socialist Revolution Glorious Economy Plan."
John McCain: I knew it! You're a commie!
Barack Obama: You're a fascist!
John McCain: Tell us about your diabolical plan and then we can compete in a contest to see who can conquer Poland first.
Barack Obama: Basically we take money from all the rich people and give it to the poor so they can buy essential commodities like food, liquor, cocaine, marijuana, and abortions. And they'll all have free education and healthcare.
John McCain: Except for the dead babies.
Barack Obama: While it's true that I vote to extend abortion rights and to make abortions free, legal, and convenient, I pledge to do everything I can to reduce the number of abortions.
John McCain: Huh!? I think if you become president, things will go badly for America. It'd be an Obamanation.
Barack Obama: Elect me as president and I pledge that I will give you another dotcom bubble and another mortgage bubble, and that the president who comes after me will have to deal with new economic crises.
John McCain: I agree. Imaginary economic prosperity is a good thing. Elect me and I will also give you false, temporary prosperity followed by a total disastrophe.
Barack Obama: The difference is that my fake prosperity will be for working-class people.
John McCain: The difference between us is that I will win the war in Iraq. I will win using a secret plan involving toothpicks. It's like Nixon's plan to end the Vietnam war by continuing the war. It will only cost another 7 trillion dollars.
Barack Obama: I pledge to lose in Iraq and win in Afghanistan and to find Bin Laden even though he's probably already lying dead next to his dialysis machine by now anyway.
John McCain: I pledge to drink more and more scotch until I puke all over the floor at the end of this debate. Because I believe in the real America, the small-town America, which is about one third of the country's people.
Barack Obama: No wonder you're losing. There is not a real America or a fake America. There's the United States of America!
John McCain: People in urban areas vote for you. But acres of land and cows and elk are voting for me and they will help me win this election.
Liberal Commentator: I don't think elk can legally vote.
John McCain: Why not? If Obama's ACORN buddies could get cartoon characters to vote, I'm sure I can get elk to vote.
Conservative Commentator: Acorn is a dire threat to democracy. It has fed squirrels. Food for squirrels is simply unacceptable.
Liberal Commentator: Look, it's Sarah Palin!
Sarah Palin: Gee golly gosh darn it wouldn't ya know, the elk voted for me after I shot them from a helicopter!
Conservative Commentator: Sarah Palin, your dress is just gorgeous!
Sarah Palin: Aw shucks, jeepers, dag nab it, yeah, it's a purty dress I had custom-made out of butterfly wings.
Conservative Commentator: You're so adorably folksy!
Liberal Commentator: How much did you spend on it?
Sarah Palin: About thirty thousand bucks. Not the same kind of bucks I gunned down from my Hummer. I ate those ones.
Liberal Commentator: And what's your view on foreign policy?
Sarah Palin: Fiddlesticks, geez, I don't really got one but I think Alaska should become its own country and stuff and be like not involved when America gets nuked by everybody who hates our freedoms and such.
BOOM!
John McCain: The Vietcong are coming! Where... What's going on? Is this Iran's fault?
Liberal Commentator: Actually, I think that was just the video camera overheating. Bimbley is awfully hot, even in November.
Barack Obama: Can we salvage the tape from the camera?
Technician: I don't know.
John McCain: I never was good at figuring out how complicated modern doohickeys worked.
Barack Obama: Uh, I don't believe that was a doohickey, John.
Technician: I can't get the tape out.
John McCain: Can you get a power drill and drill it open?
Barack Obama: That seems like an awfully violent way to open a camera.
John McCain: But we can't let the camera terrorists win! We need to drill here, drill now, and drill everywhere. Our problems can all be solved with bombs and drills.
Barack Obama: I believe it would be better to negotiate with the camera, without precondition.
John McCain: Now that's just naive.
Barack Obama: Camera, could you please open? Please? We'll help you move your metal bits into a new house and help you with your bills and camera medications.
John McCain: See, this is why being a community organizer is not a valid qualification for president.
Joe Biden: I think we need some WD-40. I think I need to make a speech listing a hundred different uses for WD-40.
Sarah Palin: I'll open the camera with my rootin-tootin' shotgun blastin'!
BANG!
Technician: I don't think this town hall event will ever get broadcast. The camera is completely ruined.
John McCain: I guess I'll need to fulfill the promise I made earlier. Anybody have some scotch?
Barack Obama: Let the vomiting begin...
John McCain: BLAARGHHH!
Everyone: BLARGHHH!
The End.